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In A Hope That You Are Listening…

I kneel before You today.

Rarely have I asked You something for myself, hardly have I prayed – I always have believed that You know. But today, I kneel before You with a fog of turmoil clouding my eyes. A turmoil that has built up discreetly under my nose every time I chose strength over weakness, freedom over submission, and what I want over what I need. Today, I kneel before You because I would lose myself should I go any forward.

I wonder if strength and freedom that I have chosen most times in the past have put me in an unpayable debt which can consume me if I let it. I have come to notice that strength and freedom often blind me from the kindnesses I receive, the innumerable tears that are shed for me, and that unconditional love for me that always outlives those who give it. I wonder if my tears are exhausted, expended on people who didn’t value them, with my emotions vaulted in a shell called strength, and my instincts locked up in the name of prudence – all to smear me with a make-up called freedom.

You have always let me choose what I want over what I need, but not anymore. I beg You to take my freedom and lock me up in chains if that can give me the capacity to pay back all the acts of benevolence towards me. Take back my strength and give me the ability to show the people who love me – those who learnt long back to live without my love and care, and those who bet their entire life on my happiness and success – that I love them back, too. With all my earnestness.

Before it’s too late…

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Chinmay Hegde

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